Furman University announced today that it would defund The Paladin, Furman’s relatively independent student newspaper, after its board refused to stop publishing thought-provoking satire articles.  

In an official statement, the Office of Student Life said that, “The Paladin was causing lots of trouble and encouraging students to think about the world around them. We can’t have that here. This is a liberal arts university where we pride ourselves on open discussion and thought, so long as it conforms to the narrative we want to create and doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.”

Other university officials added, “who do these students think they are? Do they really think that they can openly criticize the administration without consequences?” Oddly enough, the editorial staff at The Paladin foresaw these changes and wrote a piece that predicted exactly how the administration would carry out such punishment.

First, they would warn editors to tone down the boldness of their social commentary, and, when writers continued to exercise their first amendment rights, they would pull full funding from the newspaper.

Students were outraged when the announcement was released and took to the streets to protest, a surprising reaction considering The Paladin’s embarrassingly low readership.